Meaningless Anxiety

Anxiety forms a mild under-current for the lives of some. Oftentimes it manifests itself in the form of the question, "What if?" While not necessarily these words precisely, the question can almost always be related back to it somehow. Unfortunately, some people have great difficulty switching off such worry. It manages to be a detriment to one's life in one way or another, while also remaining inconspicuous to the outside world.

In some cases, anxiety seems to present a great challenge to the maintenance of healthy, long-term relationships with the people that enter their life. There is a non-specific and varying degree of paranoia that seems to work its way into every relationship, but generally as the relationship grows closer, the level of paranoia seems to increase as well. It's not a matter of distrust, but a matter of working excessively to maintain this relationship. As one begins to slip up at times, this paranoia emerges as the same person over-compensates to smoothe over any problems caused. They realise they have made an error, but don't realise they are making further error by trying to explain, elaborate or make known their feelings when simply forgetting about what happened would suffice. As these slip ups accumulate, as they do in any relationship, one with anxiety doesn't forget and eventually these little mole hills that emerge form a mountain in their eyes. The paranoia increases further as one realises they have been over-emotional, too open, or simply making too much a deal out of tiny issues.

Once this stage has taken hold, the grips of anxiety and paranoia are often too strong. One has absolutely no idea as to what they can do to. Unfortunately one's emotional outpourings, apologies , or all-round clinghing to a relationship has actually done further damage to a relationship, or is percieved to have done so. It becomes one great vicious cycle, where paranoia, the recongition of such paranoia and the attempts to reverese any damage created by this paranoia in fact worsens a situation. One is left to consider the pile of mistakes they have made, and vow never to do it again.

It always happens again. There is something uncontrollable about the way these reactions repeat themselves.

The answer is simple, I should really just shut up. Close down any visible emotion. The resolution is seemingly impossible, I cannot shut up. I cannot switch off my emotions and I cannot close the gates of communication. It is programmed within my nature to express myself, despite the fact that it is repeatedly done so wrongly, or taken wrongly. I cannot seem to learn from my mistakes.

Anxiety is not my problem alone, it is not an excuse for reprehensible or simply weird behaviour. However, it do feel it necessary to describe the way I act, and hope that people understand. I am lucky to have people in my life that do so, very patient and understanding. I only hope these people can hold out long enough until I resolve my issues, I have confidence that they can unlike many of the close friends that I have pushed away against due to my faults and against my own will.

Anti-Philosophical Banter

I've been thinking of ways as to how I can launch into my 'meaningless universal commentary.' Is there anything lacking? Should I slowly work my way up to it?

No.

I'll cut the crap instead, and comment on my meaningless views on the universe.

"Agnosticism." The idea that one cannot know, because they do not possess the means to know. That is my personal, general stance on practically anything.

I feel very strongly about this, because it applies to so much that goes on in this world. Particularly it leads me to question Religion. I'm not an atheist, but I do not believe in God. I perceive the world about me, and that is all. I cannot claim to truly "know" anything. Since this is the case, I cannot possibly "know" that God exists. I am limited to what I learn from my imperfect senses; my eyes, my ears, my tongue, my nose, my skin - all of which fall a miserable second place at best to many 'inferior' animals. Since this is the case, how can anyone claim to know the world as it is, in a 100% objective manner? If you cannot know, because you do not possess the means to know, then you are agnostic to everything (whatever 'everything' is), not just the principle of God.

"What is the purpose of this," you may be asking?" Essentially, I implore everyone to question what they claim to know. What they preach to others, but more importantly what they tell themselves. If everyone questioned things more often, if people were more open minded, much grief and conflict could be avoided - because we could all be very wrong.

I guess it's ironic that I 'assert' my agnostic 'stance' on life to you, because an assertion is the very concept my beliefs aim to render obsolete... this problem I shall address.

Agnosticism goes hand in hand with Nihilism, you may have noticed. Nihilism is the belief system that proposes everything is without inherent meaning, purpose or value, that one cannot claim that anything 'is;' that there is no absolute truth.

Some claim that the assertion, 'there is no absolute truth' is an absolute truth, and therefore a contradiction. There is a problem here that many overlook, and that is the fact that a contradiction is a logical construct - which Nihilism dismisses. For self-contradiction to be a problem for Nihilistic thought means that logic itself is absolute truth, when it is not. For Nihilism would insist that logic is based on imperfect thought, and therefore without credit itself. Rendering the concept of contradiction (an aspect of logic) obsolete, and therefore the problem it poses to Nihilism annulled.

We have now arrived at the resolution to the irony of my agnostic beliefs. The fact that I assert we should all become agnostic actually does not matter that it contradicts, for contradictions and logic are sprouted from imperfect, subjective human thoughts, and not based on any direct and objective reality.

If I haven't lost you in this meaningless tangent, then well done. I have got the heavy lifting out of the way now, and you are now informed of my basic world-view. Sweet. The only irony about this new post that I cannot rebuke is the fact that I fail to practise this in real life. I myself am guilty of claiming to "know" a situation when I am infact very misled. I am utterly hypocritical in this regard because all too frequently I will convince myself of something and make a 'mountain of a molehill' so to speak. If no-one reads this, I do not mind. This blog is already proving to be fantastic personal reflection.

Why is it that I created this blog?

It's 2:41am on a Tuesday morning and to be frank, I have absolutely no idea what compels me to create, and potentially maintain, a blog. I narrowed it down to two possible options

1) I feel that I can somehow divulge something of interest, something original.

2) Perhaps I like the sound of my own voice, figuratively speaking of course.

Most likely it is the latter option. I have almost no doubt. We all like being heard. If you don't, then I think you're weird.

I feel it somehow relevant to introduce potential followers of this blog with the aforementioned information. You should know my motivations. You should know the nature of what you are reading, shouldn't you? Controversial, honest, opinionated and strong' would be words to describe future content of the blog should I pursue this inherently valueless opinion-vomit. Ironically, however, the very intended nature of this blog - 'controversial, honest, opinionated and strong' seems to embody the traits that I fail to possess in 'real life.'

The truth is that I am rarely able to state my opinion if it is controversial, should it weigh on someone else's toes. This blog, while inherently meaningless to the rest of you, gives me the spine I wish I possessed. Hence, we have arrived at what compels me to write this blog... perhaps you can pick up something interesting along the way?